Excluding Children from Parental Conflict

PERSONAL GROWTH

JAN, 2024

Excluding Children from Parental Conflict

ANA TEMPELSMAN

Excluding Children from Parental Conflict

By Ana Tempelsman and Silvia Salinas.

Conflict is an inherent part of intimate relationships. We have desires, fears, past frustrations, expectations, and very vulnerable places that inevitably come into play when we open up and love. Often, people get angry when conflict arises because they believe it shouldn’t happen. They think that if the relationship were good, if they loved each other enough, there would be no disputes. However, conflict and pain are as intrinsic to intimate relationships as love. Opening up to another person brings both the pleasure of connection and the fear of vulnerability.

Conflict itself is not bad. It is what we do with the conflict that can be potentially harmful, especially for children when they find themselves caught in the middle of the battlefield.

Children grow up in the physical space between their parents. They need the support and containment of both to survive and know they are a product of their parents’ love. For children, witnessing fights between their parents can be a real hell. In other words, “The tension between parents can be measured in the bloodstream of the child who observes them” .

The Obvious Case

The obvious case occurs when parents yell or speak ill—children can perceive even the subtlest contempt—in front of their children. But many other dynamics burden children with parental conflict, putting them in the middle, perhaps without realizing it. Whether the parents are together or separated, awareness enables change, so let’s review these dynamics.

The Confidants

This occurs when people are heavily burdened after a conflict or unresolved issue and cannot process what happened or discuss it with a friend, family member, or therapist. Instead, they tell their children about their problems, either because the children are there at the right time or because they are the people the parents trust. The risk is even greater with teenagers; parents may think, “They are old enough” and “They can hear or know how things are.” In reality, carrying their parents’ conflicts is very painful for children. It is even more so when it involves intimate matters of the relationship, including sexual issues, which can be an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience.

The Spies

Since they spend time and share intimacy with the other parent, children are the ideal person to obtain information about what the other parent does when not seen. How much they spend, who they call on the phone, whether they went where they said they would, if they came back with wet hair (as if they had just showered). Sometimes these questions are asked subtly, in passing. But children feel a strong loyalty to both parents, and these situations put them in a very difficult position.

Taking it to an extreme, a person we treated recounted that her mother took her in the car while spying on her husband to see if he had a lover.

The Messengers

Asking children to relay messages between parents puts them at the center of interparental conflict. They become aware of many inappropriate things and sometimes feel guilty for delivering information that saddens or angers the parent. “Ask him to forgive me,” “Ask him to give me money,” “Tell him if he doesn’t change, I will leave the house” are just a few examples.

The Secrets

The same occurs when a parent asks the child not to tell the other parent something they said, did, or saw. It is very difficult for children to understand why they must keep the secret, and repressing it produces much tension. If one parent’s secrets are accompanied by questions from the other, the internal struggle within the child is a source of much suffering and guilt.

Contradictory Orders

Parents teach children how to live, what is good, and what should be done. It is common to have differing opinions on what is best in raising children, and reaching an agreement can be difficult. However, giving children opposite instructions transfers the conflict to them. It is impossible for children to decide between their parents, to choose whom to listen to.

Loyalties and Alliances

In many families, one or both parents form alliances with one or several children. Sometimes the father works a lot and is rarely home, so the mother allies with the children to avoid feeling alone. Sometimes the mother spends much time scolding and giving orders to the family, so the father allies with the children as the “good cop.” Sometimes a parent leaves their partner, and the remaining parent allies with the children, conveying the idea that the other abandoned them all. These situations are unhealthy for children because they need to develop their individuality and not identify with their parents’ issues. They need to feel it is okay to have a good relationship with both parents.

Manipulating the Other

Sometimes children become weapons to hurt or manipulate the other parent in the middle of a battle. One patient suggested her daughter invite friends to sleep over on the night she had dinner with her father when he didn’t give her money to buy clothes.

Competing for the Children's Love

This occurs when parents compete to see whom the children love more. They might buy things, allow activities to “win favor,” or invite them to spend time together to exclude the other parent. In all these cases, they are not looking after the children’s well-being but their image. The risk is that they stop imposing healthy limits (eating well, going to bed at a reasonable time, not watching TV until homework is done) and neglect the children’s real needs.

Speaking Ill of the Other Parent

Many people, outraged by their partner’s behavior, tend to complain in front of their children and criticize the other parent. Sometimes because they can’t control their anger, sometimes they think the children “need to know how things are,” and sometimes to hurt the other. But this is a mistake. It is healthy for children to have a good relationship with both parents and know it is allowed and good. Moreover, children are very protective of their parents and find it very difficult to hear someone speak ill of them, especially if it is their other parent.

Neglecting the Children

The biggest risk when parents have disputes is focusing so much on themselves, their partner, and their fight that they neglect their children. The children become secondary to the passion, pain, and struggle of the parental conflict. In developing self-worth, it is crucial for parents to see, pay attention to, and consider us. Not being seen by our parents causes deep pain and can create the idea that we are not good, sufficient, or worthy of love. This deep pain seriously affects people because the first love relationship is with the parents, the model we tend to reproduce in subsequent intimate relationships. Feeling abandoned as a child leaves a wound that makes it difficult to trust others, ourselves, and love.

Controlling Anger

The core message we want to convey is an awareness that fighting causes harm. When anger overtakes us, we cannot think clearly about our behavior. Hatred damages us and others. The path is not to cultivate it but to connect with the immense pain that is always beneath it. Knowing ourselves well enough to recognize our anger and not let it drive our actions and damage our relationships is crucial. Emotionality is a lack of freedom; when emotions dominate us, we cannot act freely. Containing— not repressing but feeling and containing within us—our emotions helps us act clearly and centeredly, allowing for better communication.

Conclusion

In conclusion, we want to emphasize that when we realize we have made a mistake, the most important thing is not to blame ourselves. Instead, observe what we did, become aware to improve and repair, and forgive ourselves. Being able to see the harm we may be causing and trying to change. Learning to look at our children and understand their place, caring for them, and striving to improve for their own good and ours.

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Ana Tempelsman M.A.