PERSONAL GROWTH
JAN, 2024
Living with Teenagers
ANA TEMPELSMAN
Living with Teenagers
Pain and Anger
Teenagers are in the process of breaking away from the child they once were. They need to separate from their parents, seek their own ideas, and begin to think of themselves as independent individuals. For parents, this process involves real and profound pain. The conflict arises because often, instead of processing the pain of separation, parents become angry with what is happening.
They create additional suffering by not accepting reality, by thinking things should be different, that they did something wrong, or that their children are doing something wrong. “I don’t deserve this, I who worked so hard, I who gave so much…” one of our patients said. It is important for parents to take the time to process the pain of this distancing and changing bond. Only then can they think about their child, the moment they are living through, and what they need.
Often, people think about themselves and disguise it as concern for what is right and proper. They do not connect with their pain and hide it under a “you should.” “It can’t be that my child is locked up all day, only cares about the computer, and spends all their time looking at their phone,” parents often say. Deep down, perhaps they mean, “How painful it is that my child no longer wants to be with me.”
Accepting difficulties is the basis of personal growth. People often try to avoid conflict or see conflict as something that shouldn’t be there. The path involves taking it as an opportunity for growth. In the face of the conflict of having children who are suffering, don’t fight and see it as a problem, but take the opportunity to grow and to revisit our ideas of how to live.
The Paradigm Shift
We were educated with certain ideas, fixed and immovable. They constituted what was thought
when we were children. These ideas remained within us as pillars, as unconscious beliefs, as ideals that we often do not question. Teenagers are part of another generation, born in a different cultural and ideological moment. They come to challenge and question the old ideas.
Humans are constantly evolving. Life is continuous movement. Those who cling and do not want to change grow old. Teenagers bring new ideas and force us to revisit our preconceptions. This can be very beneficial if we take it as an opportunity to rethink ourselves.
Parents have ideas about what is right and wrong and do not revisit them; they cling to old concepts without real support. “Time is money,” “don’t waste time,” “if you start something, you must finish it,” “sleeping until noon is lazy,” “work is effort; if there’s enjoyment, it’s not real work.” These are some of the ideas the new generation wants to test.
A 20-year-old patient, a musician, told us that he found inspiration in the silence of the night and composed most during that time. His mother did not agree with him sleeping during the day. In a session, we asked her if she would accept her son working as a night watchman, being awake all night, and sleeping during the day. She realized that wouldn’t bother her. So what was the problem? It was the old ideas passed down by her parents that no longer had validity and were simply obstructing her son’s path. The best thing we can do for our children is to trust that they will find their way, in their own manner, just as we did. A good exercise for parents is to remember how they felt at their children’s age.
How painful it was when their parents didn’t understand them, criticized them, or dismissed their decisions. And to try not to repeat those mistakes.
Change scares us. We come from the Judeo-Christian paradigm, where things are universally right or wrong. Today, entering the postmodern era, we are starting to see that things are not good or bad, but appropriate or not for each person at each moment. The meaning of life is shifting from work and forms to happiness and personal development. In that sense, teenagers can teach us. It seems easy to see when it comes to computers and new technologies and much harder when it leads us to revisit old ideas.
Limits and Education
Teenagers still need limits. It is a time when everything changes, and they feel alone and lost. It is important for parents to uphold education, even if children rebel. As long as the limits come from a place of care. Sometimes parents impose rules because they do not like how their child behaves. They think something “is too much” or “should be different.” Here, the parents’ task is to try to understand the other person.
Put themselves in their place, be interested in what is happening to them, what they need. It is good to use limits to protect and educate, not out of fear of change.
Communication is key to education. And to communicate successfully with teenagers, it is very important to listen to them without preconceived ideas, without an agenda of what we are going to say or how things should be. Open the space for contact to occur. If there are taboo topics, whether sex, drugs, or others, trust is discouraged. We live in a time when sexually transmitted diseases are a reality, and premarital sex is very common. It is the parents’ job to prepare their children. And to talk about sensitive topics, it is good to listen, not judge, and not get angry.
Being a parent means being interested in understanding what is really happening to the child. What is really happening to them. Not worrying so much about them doing things right – according to their own perspective – but helping them solve and get through the difficult moment they are experiencing. It is good to move away from the idea of “I will teach you and tell you how things are” to be present, step out of the old structure, and make the effort to understand them.
Contact and Space
John Welwood defines love as a balance between contact and space. Contact is warmth, our natural impulse to get closer, to step out of ourselves, to touch, to hug, to make contact with another. Space is openness. It is our ability to let others be, to allow, to trust, to accept others as they are and give them enough space, without dominating or subjecting them to our will. “This allowing the other to be is the greatest tenderness we can offer to those we love. By uniting openness and warmth, we are ready to recognize and appreciate the natural beauty at the heart of all things and all people, in short: to love.” (1)
Accepting the teenager involves significant work. Often it means tolerating their bad mood, accepting their anger, their rebellion, their distance. And trusting that it is a necessary and healthy process, no matter how painful it is for parents. In adolescence, the child’s relationship with their parents changes forever. If parents can give them contact, support them, understand them, and at the same time respect their space, the vital moment they are going through, and tolerate their distance, the bond will strengthen.
(1) John Welwood, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships