PERSONAL GROWTH
JAN, 2024
Physical Presence and Emotional Presence
ANA TEMPELSMAN
Physical Presence and Emotional Presence
By Ana Tempelsman and Silvia Salinas.
The way we express and receive love is deeply tied to our first intimate relationship: the bond with our parents. They had a very real influence on our way of being, loving ourselves, and loving others, not only because we depended entirely on them for survival when we were born, but also because they were the first people we loved. This highlights the importance of the emotional presence of parents and the quality of the encounter.
Of course, the physical presence of parents is crucial, and the intention here is not to undervalue the work involved in concretely attending to the needs of children. Everyday presence is fundamental and provides a sense of love, support, and security. It is extremely important for development to have the love of parents in the form of real physical presence. But what we want to explore in this space is contact, the encounter, and the quality of presence.
Living Disconnected
The Origin of the Constructed Personality
From a young age, we begin to perceive that we have emotions, desires, and experiences that do not align with what our parents expect of us or tell us are bad or inappropriate. They tell us, for example, that we shouldn’t cry, that we shouldn’t hit our sibling, that we should brush our teeth every day. But our desire is different, and the gap between what we feel and what we are told we should feel or do makes us doubt ourselves. We perceive that we are not accepted as we are, we doubt our feelings, and we begin to separate from our sensations.
If a child wants to play, and their mother tells them the right thing to do is go to sleep, they start to distrust their feelings: “I should be sleepy; if I’m not sleepy, something is wrong with me.” This is how we begin to distrust what we feel because it is not what others expect from us. We think that what happens to us is inappropriate and that we have to hide it.
This is a natural and inevitable process. We separate from our being and develop a strategy to survive. We try not to have needs, to be perfect, to do things so that we are loved, to dominate others, to be applauded, to be noticed. These are all strategies that distance us from ourselves. The strategy is the opposite of presence.
This is how we begin to construct an identity to function in the world. And that’s not bad: it is necessary. Personality is very functional for work, for protecting ourselves. The conflict arises when, after many years, we forget that this identity was a tool, and we come to believe we are that. We begin to doubt our feelings and trust only in our personality. We lose contact with ourselves and, as compensation, try to do and have things. This leads to a sense of frustration and emptiness because nothing is ever enough. There is always more to do, more to have.
Other times, we imagine that if we find someone to love, a partner or a child, that will fill our void. We look outside for answers to what we should feel, how we will be happy, who we are, what will bring us peace. These are questions that can only be resolved within ourselves.
Being Who We Are
People come to therapy for help transforming into their project, to become who they “should be.” Because they continue to believe that this will bring them the happiness and peace they are seeking.
We propose the opposite: that they stop trying to be who they are not and accept themselves. To accept their vulnerability, their weakness, their darkest parts. The path is to discover and love themselves as they are. And then, to discover and love their children as they are. Not to try to transform themselves—or their children—into an ideal of perfection, but to love each other in our humanity.
Often, parents do not really see their children. There are so many preconceived ideas about what is good, what they should want, what they should do, what will be good for them, that they lose sight of each child’s individuality. A patient suffered because her 10-year-old son was doing poorly in school. She had chosen a very demanding school, with the highest academic standards, and the child struggled to keep up. “I just want what is best for him,” she said, adding more private tutors to help him. We worked with her to see her son beyond her ideas of who he was and who he would be. She began to observe that he was distressed, that he was not having a good time, and that he also did not get along well with his classmates. We started talking about the possibility of changing schools. She finally found another school, which was also good but provided more personalized attention to each student and had an art and music program that her son enjoyed a lot. Her work was to observe her very old and rigid idea of what was good and start looking at her son with his particular and personal aspects, to think about what was good for him.
The True Encounter
Accepting Ourselves and Accepting Our Children
The proposal begins with accepting ourselves unconditionally. Not trying to be different or better. If any real change is to occur, it will not be the result of trying to be something we are not, but of discovering how we are and what we want. From within: not from what should be. But trusting in what we feel, in our desires. This way, we can teach this way of being to our children. Being present with ourselves, helping them to be present and true as well.
The truth is that we need to revisit our idea of truth. There is no absolute truth; it is useless and harmful to be full of truths, of ideas about how to be. We need to discover our specific and personal way of being and validate ourselves as we are. This is: being emotionally present. Accepting ourselves in everything we are, without ideas, without “shoulds.”
Accepting even that we make mistakes, and that this is the only way to learn. Maybe we were not present with ourselves. Maybe we did not really see our children. Maybe we were not even physically present. It is never too late: children always want to connect with their parents, they always long for their love and approval (but genuine approval, not that of their perfect personality). Accept that life is about learning to live, discovering its meaning and what true potential we can offer the world. And that previous arguments are ideas that distance us from our true self. The best gift we can give our children is to trust their intuition and teach them to be themselves. To know them and help them know themselves.